Friday, May 9, 2008

I'm a hypocrite

so here's the definition:

Main Entry:

Middle English ypocrite, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin hypocrita, from Greek hypokritēs actor, hypocrite, from hypokrinesthai
13th century
1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion

2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

Lately I've been feeling very hypocritical.... now don't freak out on me... I'm not doing drugs, running around behind my husband's back, or anything like that.....

I do however struggle with what it means to live the type of life that I need to be living. I guess I've always thought that for others to know that I'm a Christian is a certain level of accountability. If others know that I'm a follower of Christ then that compels me not to do things that would then be considered contradictory to that confession. We all know however, that "as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he....." I've been thinking a lot about that verse lately. Back up to my previous post on nakedness.... and understand that I above all others would be deeply ashamed to be stripped spiritually naked. The things I struggle with are innumerable.

In my heart is a deep and abiding love for my Savior, as well as a nearly lifelong struggle to prove that that's not all I am. I like to be liked, I like for people to think I'm funny, interesting, open-minded, intelligent.

I'm none of these things......

I truly am a hypocrite.

I struggle with proving that there's more to me than my faith.... but shouldn't that be what identifies me?? To be a follower of Jesus?

I don't want to be seen as the Bible thumping, close-minded, Christian-music-only, no-swear-language, chaste, cheesy-bumper-sticker, corny-slogan-tee-shirt wearing Christian.....

I also don't want to be the girl who uses popularity or approval from others as the motivating factor behind how I act/speak/work, all while claiming Christ as my Savior.

Some of my struggles include: approval from others, fear of settling/having settled for less than I really want, popularity, discontentment, ingratitude, inferiority complex....

If I say I'm a follower of Christ that would obviously imply that I'm following in His pattern of living... However, looking at the historical and biblical person of Jesus, he was none of these things. He was confident, yet humble. Strong in his convictions and bold in his presentation of these truths. He had no problem confronting, even scolding, his superiors. Yet he also had no problem spending his free time with theives, liars, prostitutes and the sick. He was gentle, but unmovable..... and I am fascinated....

My desire is for my life to be transparent.... To be consistent from the innermost parts of my heart, to the thoughts in my mind, to the actions of my hands, to the steps of my feet.... To be honest, I'm not even sure if this is possible.... I'm not sure if there will ever be a time in my life where I'm not leading a life of hipocrisy to some degree.

I want to treat the patient who is suffering with diseases caused by a life of drug and alcohol abuse with the same respect and love that I do the patient who is fighting a cancer of which had nothing to do with any lifestyle choices of his own.

To give the beggar on the corner the same compassion and mercy that I've experienced through a relationship with the Son of God.

To love, truly and deeply and passionately, the people who God puts in my life.... from my friends, colleagues, patients, etc........

To throw away concerns with fancy kitchens, trendy clothes, nice cars.... and to become obsessed with finding ways to allow God to exhibit His love through me.

We'll see I guess.....

So I realize this post has been 99.9% rambling... but it's my blog and I can ramble if I want to :) But really, I don't really have a good way to end this post.... so just listen to Todd Agnew's "Like Jesus" on my playlist....

I'm out of things to say now.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Pics Lately

hahaha.... the above is my dad trying to get Heather with whipped cream :)

we seriously took 15 pics and couldn't get a good one... this is the best one.... even though mommy's eyes are closed... we will get a better one next time!
While at home Todd said Coal was ugly..... how can anyone say that puppy is ugly?? hahaha

Thursday, May 1, 2008


I love being a nurse. Knowing what I know now about my career... If I had to go back 6 years and choose a major in college all over again... I would still choose nursing. I just would've worked harder in school! haha.... As most of you know I've been at Duke working in the Medical Intensive Care Unit for almost 2 years now. I love medicine... but I've also worked in almost all of the other ICUs here at Duke for overtime (cardiothoracic surgery ICU, neurosurgery ICU, surgical/trauma ICU) somefrequently and others not as much. Although they're all different... I like where I work the best of all of them, but Ilike ICUs in general. After being approached by the head of the ED about coming to work down there (this doesn't make me special btw... they're in desperate need of experienced nurses and I met this man through Matthew.... he'll take anyone he can get almost...) I have decided to start working down there one shift a week to see how I like it.

I've been sloooooooowly continuing my orientation in the Emergency Dep't. Working 1 shift a week makes this drag on. Towards the end of the day I'm feeling good, getting into a groove, and then it's another week until I'm back in and I feel like I kind of have to start all over each time. It will continue to improve I'm sure... but right now it's slow going. The staff down there has been great to me so far. I'm sure the fact that Matthew is already down there and has become quite popular with the staff helps a lot. I will look forward to the time when people start associating my name with my clinical abilities and not "that new nurse from the MICU, you know, Matt's wife..." I'll be honest though... I'm not sold on the possibility of being cut out to be an ED nurse. Maybe it takes a nurse to understand what drives nurses into the fields they go into..... but try to stay with me for a minute.
There are a few major reasons I went into ICU nursing. 1) I'm extremely detail oriented.... I don't mind having 800 things to do for one really super sick patient. 2) I'm a bit of a control freak (this is new news to me btw... maybe some of you have known it for a while. ..) I've been told by ED nurses that this it's not just me though.... it's a hallmark of ICU nurses. In an extremely unstructured environment like the ED... this can be difficult. 3) I'm a science nerd... AKA I like patients with complicated disease processes and lots of meds and interventions. 4) I like really really really sick patients. ICU nurses live for this. This is what we hope to get every time we come to work. Granted, they do get sick patients in the ED.... but they also get a lot of the "not-sick-they-should've-gone-to-a-Primary Care Practitioner-but-they-either-don't-have-one-or-don't-have-insurance-people"
All these things said.... I'm not sure just how well this is all going to work out. I'm not worried about my skill set or knowledge base.... I'm worried about whether my personality will be a fit. A lot of the ED leadership has been talking to me about coming down full time. There would be a lot of benefits to this.... 1) they pay more.... I work overtime every week and if you're a full time employee of theirs they pay you an extra $10/hr for any overtime you work. This adds up quickly. 2) the scheduling is better. I would be guaranteed all day shifts instead of flip-flopping like I do now. And they have self scheduling which they stick to about 95% of the time..... However, my pros for staying where I am is I love where I work... I like my coworkers, my management, my patient population... I HATE our scheduling (flip-flopping from days to nights) and of course I wish I could make more money. BUT, depending on what I want to do in grad school.... ICU experience is much prefered over that of the ED.
Now that all that's been said, and I've bored most of you to tears.... please be praying for me as I make these decisions. The bottom line is... I need to be where God wants me to be and where I can make the most difference for Him and equip myself for what He has for my future.