Friday, May 9, 2008

I'm a hypocrite

so here's the definition:

Main Entry:

Middle English ypocrite, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin hypocrita, from Greek hypokritēs actor, hypocrite, from hypokrinesthai
13th century
1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion

2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

Lately I've been feeling very hypocritical.... now don't freak out on me... I'm not doing drugs, running around behind my husband's back, or anything like that.....

I do however struggle with what it means to live the type of life that I need to be living. I guess I've always thought that for others to know that I'm a Christian is a certain level of accountability. If others know that I'm a follower of Christ then that compels me not to do things that would then be considered contradictory to that confession. We all know however, that "as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he....." I've been thinking a lot about that verse lately. Back up to my previous post on nakedness.... and understand that I above all others would be deeply ashamed to be stripped spiritually naked. The things I struggle with are innumerable.

In my heart is a deep and abiding love for my Savior, as well as a nearly lifelong struggle to prove that that's not all I am. I like to be liked, I like for people to think I'm funny, interesting, open-minded, intelligent.

I'm none of these things......

I truly am a hypocrite.

I struggle with proving that there's more to me than my faith.... but shouldn't that be what identifies me?? To be a follower of Jesus?

I don't want to be seen as the Bible thumping, close-minded, Christian-music-only, no-swear-language, chaste, cheesy-bumper-sticker, corny-slogan-tee-shirt wearing Christian.....

I also don't want to be the girl who uses popularity or approval from others as the motivating factor behind how I act/speak/work, all while claiming Christ as my Savior.

Some of my struggles include: approval from others, fear of settling/having settled for less than I really want, popularity, discontentment, ingratitude, inferiority complex....

If I say I'm a follower of Christ that would obviously imply that I'm following in His pattern of living... However, looking at the historical and biblical person of Jesus, he was none of these things. He was confident, yet humble. Strong in his convictions and bold in his presentation of these truths. He had no problem confronting, even scolding, his superiors. Yet he also had no problem spending his free time with theives, liars, prostitutes and the sick. He was gentle, but unmovable..... and I am fascinated....

My desire is for my life to be transparent.... To be consistent from the innermost parts of my heart, to the thoughts in my mind, to the actions of my hands, to the steps of my feet.... To be honest, I'm not even sure if this is possible.... I'm not sure if there will ever be a time in my life where I'm not leading a life of hipocrisy to some degree.

I want to treat the patient who is suffering with diseases caused by a life of drug and alcohol abuse with the same respect and love that I do the patient who is fighting a cancer of which had nothing to do with any lifestyle choices of his own.

To give the beggar on the corner the same compassion and mercy that I've experienced through a relationship with the Son of God.

To love, truly and deeply and passionately, the people who God puts in my life.... from my friends, colleagues, patients, etc........

To throw away concerns with fancy kitchens, trendy clothes, nice cars.... and to become obsessed with finding ways to allow God to exhibit His love through me.

We'll see I guess.....

So I realize this post has been 99.9% rambling... but it's my blog and I can ramble if I want to :) But really, I don't really have a good way to end this post.... so just listen to Todd Agnew's "Like Jesus" on my playlist....

I'm out of things to say now.

1 comment:

a world traveler said...

this is just simply beautiful... and so poignant. i have been going through a lot of these same struggles myself. you put words to my madness.

i miss you guys.