Thursday, February 9, 2012

Spinning my tires....

Do you ever feel like you are so far behind in life that you just can't catch up? That's where I am right now, and I'm exausted. I really really really WANT a simple and quiet life, but for some reason I just feel so BUSY.

I don't want busy. I want simple.

A large part of this I've brought on myself. In an effort to earn money for this adoption I've been working overtime, which actually means I have doubled my time at work over the past couple months. I normally work two 12 hour shifts, but I've been working four 12 hour shifts. Before Ainsley came along I did this every.single.week. Actually, usually five shifts. But times were different then.

Now I have 3 1/2 days to get all the stuff around here done that I used to have 5 1/2 days to do. And in just in the spirit of transparency, I struggled THEN to get everything done, but now, I've all but thrown in the towel. One of my 3 1/2 days I literally just lay around all day (get off at 7:30 am from shift 4/4 in a row and come home to stay with Ainsley all day...), I try to do something fun or play with friends at least part of one of those days for Ainsley's sake, and the rest of the time I'm just spinning my tires at home. Since I've been working so much I've been tired, my husband has been frustrated and my daughter has been NEEDY. Let's just say when a little girl is used to only being away from her Mama around 5 hours a week (other than when she's in bed asleep) and all of a sudden Mama isn't around a LOT more than that... it makes for a very needy and attention starved baby, that makes it next to impossible to get anything done without a crying toddler attached to my leg like a baby monkey.

This is my last weekend of overtime. Starting next week I'm backing down to 3 days per week, which is still full time as opposed to the part time I was doing before. I may or may not continue to do that for a while.

I've realized something these few weeks though.

1) I've tried to convince myself that working so much was me trying to be faithful with opportunities that God has given me to make money for this adoption. However, I now see that maybe what I've really been doing is being self-reliant instead of trusting God to provide. I KNOW that as far as God's concerned, my first priority as a wife and mom is to BE a wife and mom. To serve my husband and my daughter. To nourish relationships with friends so that I can bless and serve them. To be available to serve those around me. It is NOT His will for me to pad my bank account just in case He decides not to provide for this adoption. Our pastor talks a lot about how there is a thin line between being financially responsible in saving and preparing for your future versus worshipping money and the security it provides for your future. I fear I have slipped into this second category in the past several weeks.

2) My main contribution to my family is NOT financial. Folding clothes, mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms, going on playdates, singing ABC's and 123's, reading an incessant amount of books about Minnie Mouse and farm animals, playing on train tables... these are ALL more important than the money. Today, literally THIS morning, I have been praying and asking God to change my heart and my attitude and to show me and to make it real to me that I am not JUST serving my daughter and husband though these tasks(ALL of which I am currently behind on by the way) but that I am FIRST serving God through these seemingly mundane daily tasks. It is for HIM I am working, it is for HIM that I am scrubbing dishes, it is for HIM that I am doing all of these things. At this point in my life, in this chapter, it IS my act of worship.

As it's been said “If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.” (This quote has been attributed to BOTH Martin Luther, the theologian and Martin Luther King Jr, the civil right's activitst... I don't know which one is right.)

3) Finally, my goal is to remember and to strive for these things for my home and for my family:

OK.... Sorry for the long rambling post... but I need to go now... to go play, to go fold clothes, to go clean toilets... :)

1 comment:

Karen Albidrez said...

Your post is inspiring Julie! So glad you will be able to spend time doing more of what you love with whom you love:)